misswood's Blog

I put my life in your hands and I feel so secure,

I put the world on hold just so I could look at you some more,

I swear to god I've never felt this before,

It's you, forever, the one I adore.

I swore I'd never be that girl, the one that fell so hard.

But before I knew it I was Deeply scarred.

Your in my blood and in my veins...


This whole poem is me because its so insane...


Nothing really rhymes and everything is rushed,

My body's shaking and my face is flushed...

That's the worst fight we ever had... I can't even see a future for us right now

So,this is my blog, a journal.... I look at where I started and think maybe I am in a better place. More confident. Sadly I am not happier, I still feel insecure. But I have been losing weight slowly to gain confidence in myself

I heard it in your snoring that night, you were lonely. You needed someone to make you Happy. Iwas ready to leave, nearly sent the text thanking you for a lovely night...but I heard you snore, hollow. Empty. Sorrowful. I got undressed and hopped back into bed... The way you wound your arms around me let me know you wanted me... Even in your sleep... I would never believe someone like you would even look twice at me.... Thank you...

I remember walking to town with you in the snow, I was falling, slipping, sliding and all you did was laugh.

Now I'm with someone who took me for a romantic walk in the snow, held my hand with one arm around me...

Where you let me go, he's holding me up. Where I fell so hard before I won't again.

I stand under this dark cloud,
Searching for sunshine,

The rain falls on my cheeks the way your kisses used to,
The darkness surrounds me like your arms used to,
The wind whispers in my ear the way you used to,
The lightning lights up the sky like your smile used to,

I see a rainbow and want to run for it,
But the icy cold holds me still,

I used to hate it, but now it's so familiar,
How can I stop hurting when it's all I have left of you?


I want my new life to begin,
But for that, we have to end.......
Goodbye my winter wonderland,
Hello, the joys of spring!

The kiss of yours burns on my lips,
The memory of you dances behind my eyelids,
I trace the outline of your touch with my fingertips,
While your voice whispers to me through the darkness.

My heart is still grieving,
And my treacherous body still aches for you!
My boyfriend is sleeping next to me,
While I wonder if you even think of me at all....

I did this, I sent you away, and now you never want me back...
After everything you did to destroy me, I can only remember the good times.
Happy valentines day

I find it so hard to love myself that I don't think anyone can love me... That is the most basic way I can explain the way I see my situation sometimes. I do have very low self esteem so when I am complimented or loved, it doesn't feel genuine. I don't feel I deserve it. So, why do I try so hard to be loved... I assume eventually it will sink in and I will love myself, whether it will be after weight loss or reaffirming my place in the world I don't know... I do know I need to find an answer because in the last week or two, I have realised how much of a strain I put on my relationship by being so self loathing

So, I came across yet another website he's on. For hookers and call girls escorts and phone sex. He applied for it while I was in bed yesterday morning Ill from stomach pains.... So, then tonight he goes out, 3hours no explanation.... Why am I worried that yet again my world is falling apart?

I am in love with my boyfriend. We went to dinner and the theatre the other night, then made love for hours before falling asleep, waking up midday and going out for lunch. Followed by cuddles and a film on the sofa! I have never felt happier n my life... The talk worked. We get each other better than ever. I don't love me... Maybe I will, maybe I won't someday. But right now, it doesn't matter!

We went to the shop today and did nothing but argue. About what we wanted, why and how long we were there. I am embarrassed to say people noticed we were sharp tongued with each other.

When we got home and finally to bed, we talked about why we rowed and both agreed we were out of order, this is progress I know. But we shouldn't have been rowing in the first place!

I do feel that he is inconsiderate to my needs, I am home alone all day, I put up with his parents, his porn addiction and he is always asleep or eating... I don't think he realises how lonely and ugly and worthless I feel.

We still haven't made love for a while either which is worrying me so much... Nothing I try works, and I've tried a lot!!

Still, I love him and if I work on making myself stronger and happier I believe my relationship will improve

I spent all day yesterday in the national gallery. It was so peaceful, but also made me realise that thin wasn't always beautiful. Almost all the goddesses and beautiful naked women were chubby, they had paunches and folds! I may be putting on weight, but that doesn't stop me being beautiful. Society sees thin as pretty... But , that's not always true. So, last night I broke down in tears when my boyfriend said he didnt want to make love... I felt so rejected, anyway, he heard me crying and we chatted for an hours or so about what's caused him to lose interest in me... He says he isn't feeling too wanted himself, because of how I am always upset. Also, he works a lot and sometimes is tired. I feel very reassured and hope that it's not just something he said to get me off his back!

So, here I am. Starting out on a road to, hopefully, self-love. I am doing this fr the love of my life... So he can have peace from my constant crying, shouting, arguing and accusing. I am starting from the point of rock bottom. I am overweight, ugly, jealous and I drink too much... So, it's from here I go forward, to be better and feel better...